My train of thought.

I don't feel happy. I don't feel angry. I don't feel sad. I don't feel ashamed. I don't feel bold. I feel empty. I feel like there could be something there but there isn't. There is nothing, more and more nothing. Talking feels pointless. I spend most of my waking hours in my room wasting time. The best part of my day is when I get to text with or IM Tom, the closest person I have to a best friend. Tuesday was okay. I found someone who gets what I'm going through with Chris. Sunday was horrible. But I guess it doesn't matter. Why should it? It is a mere fraction of what happens. I am a mere fraction of everything. So small, like a single grain of sand on the beach. If that one grain disappeared, would anyone notice? I doubt it. But, if that grain finds the right home, it can become a pearl. I want to be a pearl but I feel like I'm stuck in somebody's sandbox without a way to my proper home. I hear people say that home is where the heart is. In that case, I'm not home and haven't been for some time. I no longer feel like I belong in this house. Too many things have changed and happened that can't be undone. I don't want to be here. I want to be able to get a snack without worrying about if I remembered to lock my room. I don't want to have to worry about breathing in second hand smoke when I am asleep. I want to be able to trust the people I have to live with. I want to be able to say that I am doing well without lying. I want to make memories that will make me smile when I look back. I don't want to be afraid of being happy anymore. I want to trust people. I don't want to be placed aside, I want to shine. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I am so tired of feeling alone in a crowd. The two people who help me to not feel alone are Tom and Veronica. I feel like they really understand how I feel and they care too. I wish I could live with Veronica in Oshawa. Life would be so much happier there. I wouldn't have to deal with Chris, or any of the drama that comes with him. Sure he will leave eventually, but he'll be back. He always comes back. He is like a boomerang that keeps hitting you in the head, eventually, you'll fall down. When that happens, you need to realize that some things never change until you do something about it.

This week was crap, what's next?

I have a a crappy week. First, I had tonsillitis. I woke up with it on New Years day. YAY! :( Friday (yesterday) I was feeling better so I decided to go back to my life. So, I randomly woke up at 6:30am so I went back to sleep. Then I wake up at 11 to find I am about 2 hours late for school. When I got to school, I had a meeting with my VP and I am getting kicked out of the program I am in. This means I will no longer be able to get to my job on time so I have to quit. Then I went to a dance where I stepped in gum. Oddly, I am rather happy right now. huh.

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just wishing a merry Christmas to everyone out there!! No matter how you celebrate it, be happy.

Best wishes this Christmas season!!

My 4 part rant on how I am invisible.

First off, my sisters (Carolynn ans Anngela) are mad at me because I got really mad at them for drinking alot of coca-cola (mom says we aren't aloud) at the movies. My cousin (who is also mad at me and was with us) isn't speaking to me, and to make it worse, she is spending the night here. I know this seems like a stupid fight but I really don't want them to end up like my brother, Chris.

Secondly, it seems like all the people I once called friend are drifting away from the church. Juli, my cousin, Chris, Katya (my best friend), Jenni (we used to be best friends), even my little sisters are caring about it less and less. Chris hasn't been to church in who knows how long and now he is basically a 19 year old bum on the streets of toronto, most likely staying at friend's houses. He keeps saying he's changed but it only lasts until he does something again. He has Bipolar and refuses to take meds. So this is alway the excuse given when he does something.

Third, my so called sweet 16 sucked. My aunt died of breast cancer that morning and only 3 people came to my party (none of them have talked to me in a long while). Jenni (one of the 3 who showed up) was texting more then talking.

Forth, Juli has always been better at everything and I feel like I have always lived in her shadow. Every time I feel like I am peeking out, her shadow just grows. It's always "Wow, juli is so talented at art" or "Juli is so great with kids" or " juli is the coolest" or "Yay, juli got a 90% in math" and I just hate it. No matter how good I am at something, she is either better or congratulated. For example, I almost always go to church, but when juli goes, everyone wants to sit with her. And now, even though she has been going for a few weeks now, she still gets all the attention.

I feel like I might as well be silent and invisible.

bored in class

those who stick there nose
where it don't belong
tend to get whacked in the face
not after very long

if you were meant to hear the words
that people talk about
try talking to the person instead
and try to work it out

the next time you wish to hear
everything people say
keep your nose all to yourself
it is a kinder way

Mother's best friend!

Diamonds may be a girls best friend but once you become a mother, everything changes.

It starts with one, your first child. Who would ever think that this little person, this young thing knowing nothing of life could easily win the hearts of any who stood in the room. With it's soft skin and perfectly cute smile, how could there be anything wrong with it? And the best part is, there is nothing wrong with it. He or she is so innocent, so pure. That is why it is so great to be a mother. Just one look into your child's eyes and you see how great their life can be, and how great you want their life to be. All a mother can do is do her best to love. But sometimes, like everything else in life, you need a break. Mother's, in my opinion, are the most deserving for this break. Whether it's a girl's night out or a night on the town with her man, a mother needs one thing (or should I say person). This is where the mother's best friend comes in, the babysitter. They are usually someone in the neighborhood or a friend or relitive. But, once you find the perfect babysitter, they become like family, and NOTHING is better than family.

So, whether it's a night out with your girls or your man, a good babysitter will always be a mother's best friend. <3>

Hey, i am falling asleep in class and think "i randomly feel like blogging". so here it is, i am blogging. Happy? you better be.

anyway, i want jello!!!