My train of thought.

I don't feel happy. I don't feel angry. I don't feel sad. I don't feel ashamed. I don't feel bold. I feel empty. I feel like there could be something there but there isn't. There is nothing, more and more nothing. Talking feels pointless. I spend most of my waking hours in my room wasting time. The best part of my day is when I get to text with or IM Tom, the closest person I have to a best friend. Tuesday was okay. I found someone who gets what I'm going through with Chris. Sunday was horrible. But I guess it doesn't matter. Why should it? It is a mere fraction of what happens. I am a mere fraction of everything. So small, like a single grain of sand on the beach. If that one grain disappeared, would anyone notice? I doubt it. But, if that grain finds the right home, it can become a pearl. I want to be a pearl but I feel like I'm stuck in somebody's sandbox without a way to my proper home. I hear people say that home is where the heart is. In that case, I'm not home and haven't been for some time. I no longer feel like I belong in this house. Too many things have changed and happened that can't be undone. I don't want to be here. I want to be able to get a snack without worrying about if I remembered to lock my room. I don't want to have to worry about breathing in second hand smoke when I am asleep. I want to be able to trust the people I have to live with. I want to be able to say that I am doing well without lying. I want to make memories that will make me smile when I look back. I don't want to be afraid of being happy anymore. I want to trust people. I don't want to be placed aside, I want to shine. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I am so tired of feeling alone in a crowd. The two people who help me to not feel alone are Tom and Veronica. I feel like they really understand how I feel and they care too. I wish I could live with Veronica in Oshawa. Life would be so much happier there. I wouldn't have to deal with Chris, or any of the drama that comes with him. Sure he will leave eventually, but he'll be back. He always comes back. He is like a boomerang that keeps hitting you in the head, eventually, you'll fall down. When that happens, you need to realize that some things never change until you do something about it.

This week was crap, what's next?

I have a a crappy week. First, I had tonsillitis. I woke up with it on New Years day. YAY! :( Friday (yesterday) I was feeling better so I decided to go back to my life. So, I randomly woke up at 6:30am so I went back to sleep. Then I wake up at 11 to find I am about 2 hours late for school. When I got to school, I had a meeting with my VP and I am getting kicked out of the program I am in. This means I will no longer be able to get to my job on time so I have to quit. Then I went to a dance where I stepped in gum. Oddly, I am rather happy right now. huh.